


Terminated

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Acting, Crack, Gen, Movie Reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-16
Updated: 2009-07-16
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:57:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3495938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because Blood Ocean really sucked, they decide to try to act out Terminator 2, because they need practice. And they completely mangle it, of course.<br/>The Terminator: Nathan<br/>T-1000: Pickles<br/>John Conner: Toki<br/>Sarah Conner: Skwisgaar<br/>John’s uncle, etc: Murderface</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terminated

“Hey. I have an idea. Let’s like, make a movie that’s already been made. For practice. But it’s gotta be a brutal movie!”  
They thought about it for a bit, then Toki had a suggestion. “How abouts that Terminator movie? The one with the metals guy who melts?”  
They all agreed that it seemed to be a suitably brutal movie. They had to pick one with _some_ story line to it, or there would be no point trying to act it out.  
“Maybe we should like, re-watch it? It’s been years, I don’t remember it too well.”  
“Nah dude, we’ll jest wing it.”

“I get to be the big Terminator.   
“Cool, I call tha silver guy!”  
“No fairs, I wants to be him!”  
“Uh, no Toki. You’ve gotta be the boy.”  
“I’s not a fucking kid, I wants to be a terminator!”  
“But dude, he’s tha hero, he saves tha world.”  
“Okays, fine then. Whatever.”  
Skwisgaar was trying to remember the movie. “Who ams I?”  
“You’re like, gonna have to be Toki’s mom.”  
“Fucks dat shit. Why’s I has to be her?”  
“Well, Murderface can’t do it. Don’t worry, she’s manlier than you are.” Skwisgaar flipped him off.  
“Scho who am I then?”  
“Ummm... you can be Toki’s... uncle. And whoever else we need.”  
“Eeeww! Moiderface just tried to kiss me!”  
“Dude, what the fuck? Yer ‘posed ta be his uncle!”  
“Yesh, but I’m the overly friendly kind.”

“So now we need a bunch of... stuff.”  
“Ja, I guess we goes to sees the butler.”  
“Um, yeah. Come on.”  
Charles looked up as they all trooped into his office. “What can I do for you today?”  
“We uh, need guns. And some cars to wreck, and a smaller motorcycle, not the Murdercycle. And a couple small helicopters. I think that’s all. Oh, and liquid nitrogen too.”  
“May I ask why?”  
“Dude, we’re gonna act out tha Terminator 2. We need tha practice fer our next movie.”  
“Well if you’re serious about learning to act, then just pretend. A couch is your car. A bench is a motorcycle. Get it?”  
“Uh, okay. That kinda sucks, but... okay. But we still need guns.”  
“No. Just use your fingers.” He mimed a shot.

They tromped back to the main room, ready to begin.  
“Sho how doesh it shtart? I can’t remember.”  
“Uh... Toki is like, riding his motorcycle and finds me?”  
Pickles just shrugged, “Fine, go with thet.”  
Toki hopped on the bench and pretended to drive. Nathan stepped close.  
John: “Oh wowee! Hi, who’s you?”  
Terminator: “I’m a terminator. I came from the future to protect you from this other guy who wants to kill you. You can call me- Uh, what did he call him? Anybody remember? Oh well, you can just like, call me the Terminator. Whatever. Now we have to go get you mom. For some reason.”  
John: “Oh, she’s locked up because she crazy.”  
“Whats?! Nobody tells me dis!”  
“Shaddup dude, yer naught in tha scene yet.”

Nathan got on the bench too, and they “drove” to the nut house. They “go inside” and find John’s mom.  
John: “Hi mom.”  
Sarah: “I’s not your mudder.”  
John: “See, I tells you she crazy.”  
“Dude, yer ‘posed ta be scared and scream like a girl. Git it raight.”  
Sarah: “Eeeek!”  
Terminator: “We like, have to go. Before the bad guy shows up. Come on Sarah.”  
Sarah: “Don’ts call me Sarah.”  
John: “Comes on mom, we’s gotta go.”  
Sarah: “Don’ts call me mom eithers.”  
“Shwisgaar! Just fucking move! Jeez.”

Pickles pointed his finger-gun at them.  
T-1000: “Heh. I’m gonna kill ya! Pow pow!”  
Terminator: “RUN!!”  
They ran around the room a few times, with Pickles chasing them. Nathan kept “shooting” back at him.  
Terminator: “Fuck! What happens next?”  
John: “The elevator, I thinks. This doorway will works for that.”  
They stopped in the “elevator”.  
Terminator: “Sarah! Shoot him, you’re supposed to be all deadly and shit!”  
Sarah: “Don’t calls me Sarah. BOOM!!”  
John: “Whats the fuck was that?”  
Sarah: “Rockets launcher.”  
John: “Cool!”  
Terminator: “And so we like, get on the motorcycle and drive to the middle of nowhere. Or something.”

T-1000: “Okie, I lost ya. So I’m gonna call John’s uncle and find out where ya went.” He pretends to make a call. “Ring, ring.”  
Uncle: “No, I don’t want to buy any life inshurance!”  
T-1000: “I’m naught sellin’ anythin’, I jest need ta know where yer nephew is raight now.”  
Uncle: “Oh, okay. He’sh probably in the middle of nowhere again, you got a pen? I can give you directionsh.”  
T-1000: “Ya, go fer it.”  
Uncle: You take the highway wesht until you get jusht pasht the old Burger King. Then take a right and keep going until you shee a cactush schaped like a dick. Take the schecond left, and keep going until it dead endsh.”  
T-1000: “Thanks dude! Sahrry I gotta stab yer brain now.”  
Uncle: Jokesh on you, I had you on shpeaker phone.”  
T-1000: “But yer ‘posed ta be dead!”  
Uncle: “Tough schit.”

Terminator: “So okay, now I’ve like, gotta go somewhere. I don’t remember why.”  
John: “So... you’ll be backs?”  
Terminator: “Uh, yeah. Oh, and like... Windows Vista, baby.”  
Sarah: “What de fucks?!”  
Nathan got on the “motorcycle” and “drove” away.   
John: “So’s you going to tells me who my father is now?”  
Sarah: “Just did guy from de futures. Who probablies hasn’t even been borns yet.”  
John: “How does that even work?”  
Sarah: “I has no idea. So what’s we do now?”  
John: “I think we just waits for Nath- er, the Terminator to gets back. And we fixes these conveniently located cars while we waits.”  
Sarah: “Okays.”

“Scho, what happensh next?”  
“Umm... I think Pickles turns into a helicopter pilot and chases me when I’m on the motorcycle. Because that’s totally an even match. And then he like, crashes or something.”  
“Dude, thet sounds kinda like tha Matrix. Are ya sure?”  
“No. Okay, we’ll just skip that part then. I do still get to kill random people though, right?”   
“Schure.”  
“Okay, so I like, go back to get them. Murderface, come be a bunch of random people I can kill.”  
“How am I shupposed to do that?”  
“Just keep getting back up. When I kill you.”  
“Okay.”

Terminator: “I’m back. And there’s a bunch or random guys following me, for no reason.”  
John: “Oh noes! What do we do?”  
Terminator: “I’ll just shoot them. Bam! Bam!”  
Random guy: “Ouch! You got me!”  
John: “Good one! Kills those motherfuckers!”  
Terminator: “No, no. You’re supposed to tell me to shoot them in the knee.”  
John: “Okays, shoots them in the knee then. Can I shoots some?”  
Terminator: “Sure. Bam!”  
John: “Po-eow! Pe-ow!”  
“Dude, what the fuck? Ya gat a laser gun or sahmthin’? Thet’s naught raight, guns jest go ‘bang’ or whatever.”  
“So the future guy brings a really cool gun. And lets me shoots it.”  
“No, they like, um, couldn’t send a gun back in time. Or whatever.”  
“They can sends a whole robot, but they can’t sends a gun? That doesn’t makes any sense.”  
“Toki, jest... ah fuck it. Drive sahmwhere so I can come try ta kill ya again.”

Terminator: “Okay, get on the couch. We’re driving, and it’s nighttime. I think.”  
Pickles jumped on them, landing across their laps.  
Sarah: What de fucks is dis shit? Gets off me!”  
T-1000: I’m on tha roof, ya douchebags! ‘Cept tha couch doesn’t have a real roof.”  
Terminator: Well I’m driving, so one of you shoot him.”  
Sarah: “Fine. Gets down!”  
John: “I can’t, Pickle is laying on me.”  
Terminator: “You both suck. Fine, I’ll just hit the brakes really hard.” He shoved Pickles to the floor. “There, he fell off. I can’t remember what happens next.”  
Pickles stood back up. “I gat a scene.”  
“Okay, go.”

“Murderface yer drivin’. I’m a cawp and I’m gonna pull ya over an’ show ya a picture, okie? Wee-eroo, wee-eroo.”  
Guy: “Your schiren really schucks.”  
T-1000: “Have ya seen this boy?”  
Guy/ Uncle: “Yeah, that’s my nephew. I have to take care of him because my shishter’sh crazy, and he won’t even let me molesht him.”  
T-1000: “Dude, that’s jest so wrong.”  
Uncle: “Scho am I under arresht?”  
T-1000: “Nah, I’m jest gonna turn my arm inta a sword and kill ya.” He punched him in the chest.  
Uncle: “Ow! That hurt.”  
T-1000: “Shaddup, yer dead. Now what else’s in this movie? I rally can’t remember.”  
“Schopping mall, liquid nitrogen, and a schmelting plant. But I’m not schure they’re all from the shame movie.”  
“Oooh, de lavas stuff? Was dat de Terminator or de Lord of de Rings?”  
“Uh... both. I think.”

“Well this sucks. Okay Pickles, you’re in liquid nitrogen. Then I think I shoot you. Bam! And now you explode into little pieces.”  
Pickles collapsed to the floor when “shot”, but didn’t explode.  
“And then you like, warm up, and come all back together again.”  
Pickles twitched a lot, curling into a ball. Then he slowly rose to his feet with surprising grace.   
T-1000: Okie, I’m gonna try ta kill ya again now.”  
Terminator: “John, Sarah, run up the stairs and hang out on the scaffolding above the huge vat of melted metal that’s been left unattended for no good reason. In this empty factory. Go!”  
They pretended to run upstairs, and Nathan “shot” Pickles a bunch more times. Then they went up the “stairs” too.   
John: “Oh noes, we’s going to die!”  
Terminator: “Uh, I can’t really remember this part. So I’ll just like, kick you off the edge and watch you die.”  
T-1000: “Aieee!! I’m melting!”  
Sarah: “Wrongs movie, dildos.”  
T-1000: “Sahrry! I’ll jest die quietly then.”

John: “Okays... Oh, thanks you Terminator. Will yous be my new daddy? My mom’s a slut...?”  
Sarah: “Heys!”  
John: “Well, it’s true.”  
Sarah: “...Ja.”  
Terminator: “Uh, no. I have to like, kill myself now. Bye. He jumps into the molten mental and dies. Supposively.”  
“I tink we fucks up, I ams not rememberings dis movie being quite dis lame. Dere’s not even any sexes. Maybes we can fixes dat?”  
“Dude, how could we? We’ve gat it where Murderface an’ Toki are tha only ones thet even have a dick, and Toki’s ‘posed ta be too young ta use it. An’ what tha hell, are ya saying you actually _wanna_ fuck one of us?”  
“Pfft, just pretends, like drivings. Just to makes de movie more interestings.”  
“Well, yer choices are two robots with no dick, yer brother, an’ yer son. Have at it.”  
“On seconds thought, I tinks we just leaves it de way it is.”

“Um.... now what?”  
“Hawt tub wrap party, an’ a latta beer?”

And that’s just what they did.

**Author's Note:**

> While not an illustration, [I made this some time later](http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/zsomeone/17730743/50426/50426_original.jpg) if you wanna look.


End file.
